The prosecution: Xenia
He says his throat is dry but to me spitting is a sign of disrespect. I’ve seen people look shocked by it
My boyfriend, Ahmed, has a habit I find disgusting: he’s always spitting in public. I think that’s bad enough, but he does it really loudly, which makes it worse – a huge hack sound followed by a big glob of spit, which goes flying. It’s so gross, and sometimes draws attention. I find myself apologising to anyone who catches our eye after he does it, and they always look shocked, but Ahmed rarely notices.
He doesn’t spit to be rude – he says that where he grew up, in Saudi Arabia, spitting is normal and not seen as disgusting. He used to have spitting competitions at his school, and girls and boys competed against each other. Once he estimated that he could spit up to 8ft away. He said it in jest in our early days of dating, but I was horrified.
However, when I asked, jokingly, if I could spit beside him he told me it was “more of a men’s thing”. That proves he does have some internalised stigma around spitting. But only if he has to watch a woman doing it. Quite ironic, really.
Ahmed says he needs to spit because his throat is always dry, but if that’s the case it’s been dry since the day we met in 2019 and he needs to get it checked out.
To me, spitting is a sign of disrespect and seen as uncouth. I don’t mean that in a snobby way, but it suggests you don’t have manners. My mum watched Ahmed spit towards her car once when he needed to clear his throat, and I saw her mouth drop open. I told her it was part of Ahmed’s culture and she said it was fine, but I think she was mortified.
I guess Ahmed has always shown me exactly who he is and has never tried to hide anything about himself. On our first date he told me he was once in £20,000 of debt. I rate his honesty and don’t want him to change – except for this one annoying habit.
Ahmed could stop spitting if he really wanted to. He is easy-going and a good communicator, but he won’t properly discuss giving it up. I have asked him to control it and he’s said he’s trying, but he could improve a bit more.
The defence: Ahmed
It’s just a habit that society has arbitrarily decided is gross. Xenia needs to be more tolerant
I don’t spit to offend, but because it’s second nature. I always spit to clear my throat or when I’ve got a sour taste in my mouth. It’s just a habit. My throat gets dry, and spitting solves the problem. It’s a practical necessity, not an act of rebellion.
I’ll admit the sound might be a little jarring. But in Saudi Arabia, spitting wasn’t a social faux pas like it is in the UK. It was practically a sport. We’d measure distances, compare techniques. People spit as they go into a mosque, or after smoking. So now, years later, I don’t even think about what it means.
I have tried to explain it to Xenia, but she doesn’t really get it. She says I need to try to tone it down.
Xenia thinks about my spitting a lot. She winces every time I do it, and apologises to strangers on my behalf as if I’ve just committed some unspeakable crime. She acts as though I’ve spat on someone, when really all I’m doing is just clearing mucus from my throat.
I have tried to tone down how emphatic my spitting is because I know that Xenia hates it. Now, I’ll spit straight on to the ground instead of firing it out quickly and at a height.
Xenia says she likes my honesty – well this is part of the package. The guy who explained his financial troubles on our first date is the same guy who occasionally feels the need to expectorate.
I get that some people find it unpleasant. But am I really supposed to change something that feels entirely normal to me just because society has arbitrarily decided it’s gross? What’s next? Banning sneezes in public? Issuing fines for throat-clearing? I know Singapore fines people for spitting in the streets, but we don’t live there.
Xenia needs to build up some tolerance. I put up with her annoying habits because I love her. The worst thing about me is that I occasionally launch some saliva into the ether, which I will try to tone down. But ultimately I’ve been spitting for too long now to totally stop.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Ahmed is upsetting Xenia by spitting in public. Should he stop?
Of course Ahmed shouldn’t spit in public – it’s deeply offensive and looks aggressive. He should carry a handkerchief to spit into.
Samira, 38
Plenty of people born and raised in the UK spit in public too – and it’s generally considered a no-no. But every society has its conventions and cultural quirks. Surely it’s not too hard to avoid doing things that a lot of people find disgusting. Ahmed needs to train himself to stop spitting.
Matthieu, 63
“Am I really supposed to change something that feels entirely normal to me just because society has arbitrarily decided it’s gross?”– YES. It’s disgusting.
Diane, 46
Ahmed is hypocritical about what he sees as his right to spit in public, since he thinks it’s only OK for men to do it. But if he insists on spitting outdoors, maybe he could respect Xenia’s concerns and stop doing it so much when she’s around, or at least do it out of her sight.
Brian, 31
I don’t think the defence has a leg to stand on here. Neither “I’m clearing my throat because it is always dry” nor “it feels entirely normal to me” are reasons for spitting on the street.
Kitwana, 35
Now you be the judge
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