Lise, 48
Once, Patrick had really nice oral sex with someone and told me what she did, and suggested we try that
About 15 years ago, I was volunteering abroad and had to share a tent one night with two men, and it was really quite sensual. They were very attractive and we had a good connection, but nothing happened.
I told my husband Patrick about it when I returned; about how we were sitting close and how that felt sexually in my body. I was surprised he wasn’t jealous – in fact, he found it really sexy. He approached my story as if he was watching a movie and became aroused.
After that, we thought maybe this could bring us something new and interesting in our sex lives. We started to play around with the idea of being sexual with other people.
We have a traditional relationship in many ways – we’re married, we have kids. But it’s also a relationship that isn’t necessarily open – rather, it’s free.
This means if one of us is on a business trip and we feel a really big attraction to someone else, we are free to pursue it. We’re not out looking for anything, but we just allow it to happen and, if it does, we’ll talk about it. It doesn’t happen a lot – in 24 years together it’s happened five or so times for me. I think lots of supposedly monogamous couples probably have sex outside the relationship more than we do – but we just tell each other and are just honest about it.
And we use these experiences to enhance our sex life. For example, once Patrick had really nice oral sex with someone and told me what she did, and suggested we try that.
It’s about bringing in other elements. We also get a lot of inspiration from porn and stories. Our free relationship can be very sexy for me, but I do have a limit. There is no contract, but we’ve agreed it’s not supposed to be in our community.
One time he had sex with our old neighbour and I felt like that broke the rules. Although we don’t live there any more, it was still too close and it hurt. But I have to remember I am always the centre of his fantasy and understand that even if he has good sex with someone else, that’s not a threat to our relationship.
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Patrick, 46
I love hearing the details – how she felt and how it was – as I want to learn
My wife had more relationship experience when we met, so in the beginning I was jealous, but as our trust has built up, I no longer feel any jealousy at all.
We allow ourselves to be sexual with others if we happen to meet someone and feel a connection. It’s kind of an add-on, and it doesn’t happen often. Over the relationship I’ve probably had sex with someone else once every six or seven years.
This is all driven by a belief that it’s important to stay curious and never think that you know everything already – even after 24 years, I still find new spots on my wife’s body that I can kiss in a new way. I have the attitude that one can always learn new things.
Lise and I have attended some massage and Tantra workshops, not with the intention of meeting other people but to learn new ways of connecting and touching each other – something that can enrich our lives. Whenever she has had an encounter with someone, I encourage her to tell me everything, as I really want to be inspired. Once she was with a man and there was a lot of oral action, which was not really part of our dynamic before. When she told me that she really liked it, I started to introduce a lot more kissing down there, and that’s still part of our repertoire today.
We’ve started doing things we couldn’t really imagine a few years ago – like taking erotic pictures – but I’m not sure how much the sex itself has changed. Position-wise, I don’t think that we have much variety, but the imagination part is there, which is very strong. She’s at the absolute centre of my fantasies. I’ve found that talking about sex to Lise in an abstract fantasy world makes it easier for both of us to discuss our wants and needs with the best of intentions.