Born in London, Milton Jones, 60, won the Perrier best newcomer award at the Edinburgh fringe in 1996. He went on to appear on shows such as Mock the Week and Live at the Apollo. He is currently making his 15th series for Radio 4, regularly performs on I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, and has won two Sony awards. His books include Where Do Comedians Go When They Die? and 10 Second Sermons. Ha!Milton, his latest UK tour, has been extended to November. He is married with three children and lives in London.
When were you happiest?
When I hired two private detectives and got them to follow each other.
What is your greatest fear?
A comb.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Always trying to turn things into a joke.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not being able to laugh at themselves.
Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
Three degrees: I paid my kids’ uni fees.
Describe yourself in three words
Quiet, sharp, clumsy.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I have a blank expression – I can’t smile very easily for some reason.
What does love feel like?
A Pot Noodle on a cold day.
If not yourself, who would you most like to be?
Mr Blobby or the Stig or a football mascot. So everyone knows who I am, but no one actually knows.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
What I studied at college – A-level economics.
What scares you about getting older?
Having conversations with young people who you remember being born.
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What was the last lie that you told?
You’ve been a great audience.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Muttering to myself in the corner, usually jokes. The kids say, “Dad’s muttering again.”
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Pink Angel Delight.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To people who I’ve made a really quick joke about on stage and hurt.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I’ve been with my wife, Carol, for 44 years. We met at church youth group.
When’s the last time you changed your mind about something significant?
Oh, most days. I can watch a political programme and think, “That sounds a really good point.” Then someone will argue the opposite and I’ll think, “Yeah, he’s got a point as well.” I am constantly sitting on a fence.
What would you like to leave your children?
A book of passwords for all the electrical stuff in the house.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
Being offered a lift by James Acaster.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Healthier food from motorway service stations – I am always going through them late at night and it’s all rubbish.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Keeping going.
What keeps you awake at night?
Ambulances – I live near a hospital.
How would you like to be remembered?
By people smiling or shaking their heads. I’ll even take rolling their eyes.